Ask Kim discusses a husband’s 10-year-old secret

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Dear Kim,

I’ve been married to a woman for 10 years.  We have five boys.  My oldest is nine and youngest is four years old.  Even though I am bisexual, I have never told her.  I am a very hard-working family man. I have talked to my wife about having an open marriage, but she declines it.  We really don’t have much communication.  I really love her, but we need to make changes for the better.  I want my boys to grow in a positive home where love is here all the time.

Also wanted to ask you, can a woman have two husbands in America?  Because my wife would love it.  What should we do? 



Dear Anonymous,

If you’ve been married for ten years and haven’t told your wife about your sexuality, you’re pretty darn good a keeping a secret! 

I’m kind of a gambler – I would bet she knows.  Her heart may be in denial, but she knows something.  Surely somewhere along the line, she’s had a hint or two that you like “both” teams.

Seriously though, it’s time for you to have an open, honest conversation with your wife.  You’ve spoken to her about an open marriage arrangement and she’s said no.  If you haven’t been faithful in your marriage, you need to have this conversation with her NOW.  You are effectively exposing your wife to any partners you’ve had outside the marriage.  That will get you in trouble quickly.  It seems that she expects you to be faithful to her.  Sexual orientation has nothing to do with faithfulness.  There is a clear distinction between the two. 

You said you love your wife, but you need to make changes for the better.  It’s time to live your life truthfully.  I applaud you for wanting your children to be in a loving healthy environment.  Only you and your wife can determine if you can do that and remain together.  You may find you’re both happier and healthier apart.  If dad and mom are happy, kids are likely happy too!  Your children will adjust to their circumstance.  It will be up to both of you to raise them in a loving and supportive way.

Finally, no.  Your wife can’t have two husbands in the U.S.  She can have a legal spouse, and as many spiritual spouses as she wants.  Only the legally married spouse gets the benefit of being her husband.  Spiritual spouses can’t be claimed as a husband or wife.  Spiritual spouses are not considered next-of-kin, so she couldn’t make decisions about their healthcare and the like.  Nice try though!

Good luck!

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